My Time or Hers?

It was 8:30 Friday morning and there I was. BACK at Partners in Pediactrics. The last time we were in that office was last week and that FIVE hour trip to the doctor ended with my baby in Baptist East hospital and our car in the shop after it had to be towed from the parking lot due to a bum battery. I was SUPER pumped about coming back (not so much). Harris and I were there for a 9 month check up this time; not ear infections or wheezing or yellow snot or any of the other repeat offenders we're used to. I walk to the desk, sign Harris in and make my way to the "Well" side. I quickly tried to find a seat that would give us the best view of Disney TV only to discover they had replaced Handy Manny and Mickey with some Dinosaur show on PBS or something. Not good. It was 8:30...AKA nap time AKA melt-down initiation. OK, fine. We settled in with some puffs and as many toys as I could drag out of my diaper bag-turned-magical Mary Poppins-bag. I thought, "It's 8:30! How long should we have to wait?" Famous last words...

Fast forward to 9:30. Still there, still listening to Dinosaurs and still no "Harris Murray for Dr. Brannan!" By this time, the other mamas in the waiting room were beginning to huff and puff. I hear the typical "good grief, how long does it take?" and "I don't think Dr. Brannan is even here!" Just as I began to feel some frustration myself I heard the call for Harris to come on back. I turned the corner only to discover it wasn't our sweet nurse we're used to but Dr. Brannan, herself. Strange but whatever, we were back. Dr. Brannan sent us to a room and told me our nurse would be there shortly. 

Now, you know how you have those moments when you KNOW that the Lord has you in a situation for a reason? You have those times when the Lord uses you to speak wisdom and love to someone. Well, Friday morning was my time. 

My nurse came in immediately apologizing for having us wait for so long. I felt this overwhelming urge to tell her it did not matter in the least to me that we waited and that Harris and I were having a good time watching Dinosaurs (not entirely true since we prefer Mickey but hey...) She continued to apologize explaining that the schedule was confused and she had called back the wrong patient and that she had been working in this field for 20+ years and took great pride in her work and..... I said, "I promise, its ok!" By this time I'm thinking "Gotcha. You're sorry. Now, can we please move on so I can get my 9 month old out of this office.." Just then I looked up at her and saw BIG tears rolling down her cheeks. I quickly asked her what was wrong and she proceeded to tell me:

Her 29 year old daughter had died 9 months ago from health problems related to her diabetes. When she passed away, her 10 year old son was left with his grandmother AKA our nurse. She was exhausted mentally and physically she explained. In that moment, I felt the weight of the world that poor woman was carrying. She was trying to stay positive for her grandson and make life somewhat normal but all the while mourning the loss of her daughter. Her baby, her child. I can't imagine.

We talked for a long time after that and Harris was content to eat puffs and listen. We talked about the goodness of God and how He delivers you in times of distress and trouble. We talked about when you hit a brick wall all you can do is pray and ask the Lord for peace and understanding. Now, when I say "we" I mean "she". You see, SHE was the one explaining all of these things to ME. She was the one enduring one of the hardest things any mother could possibly go through and she was the one ministering to me. Talk about putting things into perspective...she was a basket case and could still muster the strength to praise God. I have petty things happen everyday that I claim hinder my time with God and here she was praising Him in the biggest storm there is. 

Yes, He had me there for a reason...to listen to her and be there but it was HER time to speak wisdom and love.  I'm not sure who was blessed more by that conversation...

Prayer and Petition

Confession time: 

While I was pregnant I was terrified about what would happen to my marriage after Harris was born. I had heard of so many marriages becoming troubled, spouses forgetting one another or the union simply splitting all together. Eliot was my best friend and the most wonderful man I had ever been around. We had been blessed with a wonderful relationship up to that point and the thought of that ending simply scared me to death. I began thinking of all the stress that would come with a baby and the lack of time we would have together. I know, I know...should have considered those things ahead of time. Too late though and there I was. Left with my fears and anxieties. Now, I know the Lord tells us not to be afraid and to give Him our worries but convincing a pregnant, hormonal basket case of those things was going to take some persuasion. 


Well, what do you do when you feel you have nowhere else to turn? Fall on your knees and pray that God will take care of you. You pray that He will protect you, your marriage and your whole family.  So I got busy! I prayed lots of prayers while I was waiting on little Harris but the one I prayed almost daily was that God would make me enough woman to be wife to Eliot and mommy to Harris and neither would ever feel neglected. I prayed that He would enable me to meet both of their needs and I would have the strength do those things with joy. I also prayed that God would strengthen our marriage and make it a blessing not only to us but to Harris and others, as well. 


What came after Harris was born was mind-blowing. It shouldn't have been since I know God's mercy and grace. I know Romans 8:28 and remind myself of it daily. Nevertheless, the Lord never ceases to amaze me. 


Not only did our marriage withstand the first few months but I have found myself feeling closer to Eliot now more than ever. We have discovered  new meanings of words like "partnership", "submission" and "teamwork". We have learned to be selfless with one another and to show one another grace when we are less than lovable. I have also learned new meanings of the word "love". There is nothing like seeing your husband become a father...and doing it SO well. I have learned new meanings of the word "respect" through watching Eliot not only be husband and father to us but also a full-time employee and a student in a MBA program. He has so much on his plate but never complains. Never. That encourages me to press on and be strong when I'm having a bad day. I have never been more in love with him. 




I wouldn't dare give either of us the credit though...not for one second. I know the old Ash and Eliot and they would have a completely different view on life. It is truly astonishing what God CAN and WILL do in your life if you just ASK. He can turn a stressful, tiresome life into a beautiful view of who He is and how He loves us. 

~Philipians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Happy 9th Months Sweet Boy!

Today Harris is NINE months old. Crazy. He has been alive as long as I was pregnant and that seemed to last forever. Funny though, these 9 months have flown by. Over the last 9 months we've arrived at many milestones and each one has been bittersweet. We've said good-bye to the sweet NB size Pampers Swaddlers that are like 2 inches long and NB size clothing like his adorable blue and white Kissy Kissy outfit that he wore to his first church service. We've said farewell to sleeping with Mommy and Daddy and moved on up to the crib like a "big boy". We've left eagerly eating every two hours and have arrived at the "please eat and quit looking around at EVERYTHING" phase. We no longer play on a blanket with the same toy but we crawl EVERYWHERE to find any and everything we AREN'T supposed to play with. We said sayonara to the bald head and have landed at the mother ship of hair (to my great pleasure). Our most recent good-bye has been to nursing and although I knew it was time for us, it still hurts my heart.  


I know I can't keep him tiny forever. Why would I want to? Isn't one of the joys of motherhood seeing your children grow and learn and discover the world? Of course. BUT...it is still bittersweet. I have tried to find peace in thinking to the future and the wonderful things we have to look forward to but I know, in a way, that's foolish. We are, after all, only guaranteed today. So this has had me thinking this morning...what do I love about Harris today? This week? In this moment? 


In honor of Harris' 9 month birthday, these are 9 things I love about him...today. 


1. The way he literally begins jumping in his crib when he sees me. Eliot doesn't even do that...
2. The look of pure joy on his face when something delights him like Mickey Mouse. 
3. His look of determination while he tries to figure something out. That broom is perplexing.
4. His laughter. It simply doesn't get any better.
5. The way we cuddle and rock while he rubs his face with his bobbit (blanket)
6. His face while he rides in his wagon. The only way to describe it is that he zones out. Loves it.
7. His hugs when he first wakes up.
8. The way he plays with Emmie. I can see mischief all over his face. Poor dog...
9. The way he cuts his eyes right before he goes for the plugs or Emmie's bowl..again with the mischief..


In Proverbs 31 it is said of the "wife of noble character" that her children will rise up and call her blessed. I pray that one day Harris is able to do that. In the meantime though, I don't really need anyone to call me that. Today, I know I am.

~Psalm 118:24

        "THIS is the day the LORD has made; let us REJOICE and be GLAD in it!"

Mr. Personality

 Since Harris entered the world he has had a rather large personality. When he had colic it came out somewhat..umm..ill-tempered if you will. I never liked calling him "fussy" though because how could you use such a negative adjective to describe something so sweet? Right...? I always preferred the term "spirited". Much more upbeat. Passionate. I always knew my little boy would be full of life because I had prayed for that but about one month in I began praying that he would be full of happiness and contentment and that he would bring joy to those around him. Not that I didn't like him the way he was but... we had a LOT of this going on:

  

We are now 9 months in and praise God, Harris is so happy and at peace. Don't get me wrong, we can still throw a fit that could bring a grown man to his knees but as Herculean as his fits are, his laughter is even bigger. That enormous personality has turned into big giggles and even bigger smiles. Nothing can brighten my day like that big grin and those eyes. This kid has personality written all over his face! I praise God for a happy and healthy baby!

Winding Down the Week (Thank Goodness)

Let me begin by saying that this week has been SO long. We started off with a trip to the hospital for Mr. Harris due to what we think was an allergy to something. Since then there has been little to no sleep in the Murray home and I'll admit that with all the disruption I've been anxious and sleep-deprived. I have found myself thinking and saying this week, "I should go back to work. I would at least get a lunch break!" Obviously those were just words spoken out of frustration and without much thought but it's just been one of those weeks. 

While Eliot and I were trying to get pregnant I became overwhelmed with the thought that although that time was hard, I knew that God had me in THAT moment and in THAT trial for a reason. Of course, that reason was to bring me closer into a relationship with Him. I found myself going back to that this week. Parenthood is hard, of course, but why? 

I know it is sacrificial to be up for hours on end at night, changing out of PJs at 2 a.m. because his diaper didn't quite do its job and listening to screams that could wake the dead. It is also humbling to change a diaper only to realize I too am covered in poop, go to bed remembering that I haven't had a shower all day and basically standing on my head while singing Yankee Doodle to get him to eat his squash. There isn't much time for self-seeking pursuits...

What brings me closer to the Lord though? Learning self-abandonment and humility through child-rearing or a nap and a pedicure? Aah, OK God. Gotcha. That's why life can be so distressing these days. This isn't about Harris or Eliot or my abilities as a parent. This is about the Lord teaching me service and sacrifice and the beauty He finds in those traits. Having this assurance can get me through another day of poop, tears, spit-up and Desitin. I AM working toward something more significant. 

He'll also give me moments like this to remember the rewards of all that I do: